Hey — It’s Toffer.
This weekend, I had some time to think about my goals but I got stuck with my vision. I had none. Maybe because I am too hard on myself. I want something beyond what I’m capable of, yet I don’t trust myself to do anything great. Or maybe I’m just scared. What change do I want to make? No idea.
So I searched and surfed, and I stumbled upon happiness. Sounds weak. Selfish even. But let’s go with that.
Estimated read time: 5 minutes
🌈 Happiness in the past
I took art classes when I was eight with Mr. Sena1, a generous man known for his pandesal paintings. Every summer, I was given the option to take sports or art. I always chose art because I wanted the dopamine hit every time Mr. Sena graded my work. He always gave me an A.
I took the classes with my sister, who is a natural but almost never finishes her work.2 In retrospect, I must admit her work was better, but because I completed my projects, Mr. Sena gave me the higher grade. I was a competitive kid, and those small wins became a theme that I wanted to recreate.
I associated happiness with the experience of those small wins, and pursued the feeling I get when I’m just about to win. But the real world doesn’t always provide the same satisfaction as it did in my past.
Happiness could be tied to emotional fulfillment and the pursuit of feelings that seem real. Just as dreams offer a sense of reality until I wake up, the small wins in my life offer a sense of happiness, constructed by my desire to relive those emotionally fulfilling moments. A pursuit and an illusion.
📸 Happiness in the now
If happiness is not found by going back in time to recreate a feeling, nor by going to the future in hopes that it will happen again, then perhaps it’s in the present.
The problem with the present is it’s too damn fast. Every picosecond that passes is in the past. A little later than that is the future. There’s no practical room for memories or hope.
There’s only acceptance. To reach a certain state in meditation, for instance, one needs to be detached from oneself and to accept everything that is happening. From breathing, to thinking, to feeling, one just needs to accept that it is happening. Aum.3
Happiness is in the here and now, in the small, fleeting moments that make up my everyday life — shared laughter, quiet walks, short stories at night. If I focus on the present, I allow myself to fully experience life as it is, rather than as it was or as I wish it to be.
💎 Happiness in honesty
I was enrolled in an all-girls school.4 Technically they were trying not to be, and there I was — part of an experiment — with only four boys in a class of twenty. My sister attended the same school, so it was convenient, I guess. I didn’t like it.
So when I was transferred to an all-boys, I was ecstatic. Like most kids, I just want to fit in. But I also want to be the best — the fastest, the most helpful, the one that gets all the awards.
However, I was a year older. In my small head, I convinced myself that being old isn’t good. I can’t be the best because I had an unfair advantage. Everyone else was just five years old. I was six, so I lied.
I was a happy kid. But I remember those moments of struggle when I had to remember the lie and everything that went with it — the backstory, the why, the bullshit. It wasn’t exactly sad, but it was a constant hump I had to deal with every time I had to share my age. I remember telling my friends about this stupidity, that I even celebrated my 18th birthday twice, that even my mom forgot. But that small addition to the story was also a lie. My mom never forgot. It was that bad.
It doesn’t matter now (hopefully), but because I reduced moments of truth, I’m sure I also diminished moments of happiness.
I think happiness thrives in honesty. Every encounter, every conversation, every question is an opportunity to pause. To not bullshit. To aim to speak the truth.
Honesty is one of the core tenets of being present. If the head is full of lies, there’s less clarity, there’s less opportunity for gratitude.
Happiness is cherished moments, being in the moment, and moments of honesty.
Your Friend in Time,
Toffer
Fernando Sena is a teacher, and is considered the Father of Philippine Art Workshop.
My sister is known for her inking skills. A watercolor artist and is now an MD.
Om, Ohm or Aum is a sacred sound that is known generally as the sound of the universe. Om, first mentioned in the Mandukya Upanishad, is a sacred Hindu syllable symbolizing the imperishable nature of time—past, present, future, and beyond.
I was an Assumptionista. 😆